When thinking about “the loneliness epidemic” and the widespread feeling of social isolation among many Americans (especially young Americans in my demographic), I had always chalked it up to a combination of social media largely replacing face-to-face interaction as well as the fact that college-aged kids are encouraged to move around the country or the world and thus may not focus on building geographically proximate community. While I still stand firmly behind these two factors as major contributors, a talk I listened to recently, “Luxury beliefs are status symbols” by Rob Henderson, made me realize that there was something else that I overlooked. Upper middle-class Americans have the luxury of burning bridges and not having close community. Throughout most of human history, community and social cooperation have been integral to our survival. One’s friends and family were not just the people you see at the occasional reunion or Saturday night gathering when everyone’s schedule aligns, they were the people who took care of you. I think the fact that we’re less tied down, both emotionally and geographically, perhaps leads to more friendships overall, but fewer deep and lasting relationships. This second kind of connection is what we crave as humans – it is what gives us a sense of security and belonging. We are trading this for flexibility and mobility, and it’s not a trade I think we are always aware of making. Media and expectations around us would have us think that this is the norm, that it’s just part of growing up.
Friendships aren’t as black and white as I’ve made them out to be. There are certainly benefits in the freedom of choice. You can’t really choose your family or your neighbors. It’s true that there will occasionally be fundamentally irreconcilable differences among people, but mutual dependence is usually strong enough to override these differences and force cooperation. There are certainly social faux pas that can result in the ostracization from one’s social circle, as Rob points out is the case for cancel culture among society’s elite. Yet, it’s important to point out the consequences are a mere loss of social capital and nowhere near a life-threatening situation. Contrast this with other countries, where exile from one’s community can mean starvation and death, and our own behaviors begin to seem rather ludicrous.
I think there is a situation where we can have the best of both worlds, but it won’t necessarily come easily. Building community takes time and effort. Choosing who we want to build relationships with also implies the relationships that we are giving up. This is a scary thought to a lot of people. There will always be a fear of missing out, but we can’t fixate on the counterfactual. We have a limited amount of time to spend with a finite amount of people, so let’s focus on making the most of it.